Emotional Pain | When Pain Speaks Louder Than Love
The following example is a recurring nightmare for those who are experiencing emotional pain – and both parties suffer the shock and aftereffects of such an interaction. And yet, from within the ashes of that very same pain and its expression, the phoenix of healing may yet rise.
Imagine this being the end result of a conversation – not between enemies… but two people who love each other very much, and have for years.
“You are mean. You are mean… and deceitful. You are horrible, mean and a bully.
You do it every time – and you will do it again tomorrow, and the next day and the next.”
I wish to give credit to CYNDEE RAE LUTZ for the article (COMMUNICATION DURING ADDICTION – PAIN SPEAKS LOUDER THAN LOVE) that inspired my thoughts on this topic.
Many people dealing with addicted loved ones know all too well the tenor of the example above.
Emotional Pain that Triggers
The type of emotional pain that triggers such hurtful words is all too common among those who love deeply, and who are also deeply hurting. in fact, the verbal altercation is only a symptom of that deeper hurt.
Unless both parties are willing to accept responsibility for the pain they bring to the table, and also willing to learn a new way to communicate – the cycle of unkind behavior will only serve to push our loved ones further away.
Billionaire RICHARD BRANSON states:
“Communication is the most important skill any leader can possess.”
He calls communication an art as well as a skill that you can learn.
“If you’re willing to work at it,” says Branson, “you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life.”
Mega-motivational Speaker TONY ROBBINS says,
“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as guide to our communication with others.”
Communication is Essential
Both men are correct. Effective communication CAN be learned, and it is essential to healthy relationships.
But before we get to the communicating part – we must first step back and realize that in many cases, perception is reality – and if one person’s perception does not match the other’s, neither is “wrong” – neither is “right” – but both are at an impasse.
Effective communication faces a number of intrinsic barriers. From semantics to psychological or emotional to personal – speed bumps abound where interpersonal communication is concerned. Some words have different meanings, or carry with them unclassified assumptions.
Sometimes premature evaluation (jumping to conclusions) is to blame for the failure to communicate.
Often it’s distrust by either the sender or receiver that drives one or the other (or both) to derive negative meaning out of the message – at the cost of what was really being said. And then the emotional status of either party plays into how messages – no matter how well intentioned – are received.
If a loved one behaves in a manner that is not consistent with their expressions of love, it’s likely that they are harboring one or more painful realities.
What you observe is their expression of that pain. It does not mean that the love they express is false, or in any way less genuine… but that messaging gets muddled by their reaction to the pain they are experiencing.
In essence, we hurt the ones we love”.
DR. AARON BEN-ZEEV writes:
“Profound love involves reciprocity, the lack of which is painful.”
He goes on to say,
“hurting the beloved on purpose indicates the presence of conflicting perspectives”.
It is these conflicting perspectives that must be addressed, and appropriately navigated if effective communication and true healing are to be accomplished.
The Phoenix of Healing
So back to that phoenix of healing…
In order for it to rise from the ashes of pain speaking louder than love, we must first acknowledge that the style of communication you are utilizing is not creating the desired outcome.
And if you truly desire a different outcome, seek out – and execute a different style of communication. Seek to discover how your loved one communicates best, and start there.
If you require professional assistance in discovering new ways to communicate, REACH OUT TO ME HERE.
Let’s find a way to resurrect a relationship that only seems to have jumped the tracks. If that relationship is strong enough, it really can sustain the healing process – and thrive beyond the pain.